okay, well, now that my membership is cancelled and my profile ain't there no more, i can tell you about this freaky website called match.com.

all my friends had been harrassing me about trying to "get out there" and mingle with other human mammals of the opposite sex. so i checked it out. they trick you by giving you a free trial and then you get sucked into their sick little world and you want to pay, bc hey, hope springs eternal, no? alright, let's see here.

Specimen A: we spoke for about a week on the phone then made arrangements to meet at a mexican restaurante. this male was confused by intellectual conversation and i had to explain several words i used to him to help him understand what i was saying. he never called anyway. strike 1.

Specimen B: nice house, lots of money, but weird. went on a 30 minute rant about reverse race discrimination in the NFL. he never called again. strike 2.

Specimen C: i liked him. we knew each other from a long time ago. after a few dates he told me he had been thinking about it and really didn't want to get in a relationship with me bc i have 3 year old twins and he's already raised 2 children and he doesn't want that responsibility. strike 3.

Specimen D: we im'ed and talked on the phone a while. he came to pick me up for dinner and he looked nothing like his picture. in his photo he had brown hair, glasses and was pretty youthful looking. when he got there, he was grey, no glasses, and very different looking, but hey that was ok. we had a nice dinner, he never called. strike 4.

so, what does this tell us? there's only one obvious conclusion...

although i am cute and witty on this blog, in real life it's more like this: