okay tell me if i'm wrong. seriously. cuz when i tell this to some people they look at me like i'm psycho.

first of all i have to drive 45 minutes to get to the nearest walmart. and it's a cruddy walmart. secondly i had just spent 197.97. my mom was watching my cart while i ran to the bathroom bc we were running way behind schedule childcare-wise.

so i'm pushing my cart out, and this lady barks at me "stop right there maam. i'm gonna hafta see yer receipt for that garden hose, " jabbing her stubby finger at the rack under my cart.

wait a minute is this now sam's club? cuz you know you're going to get your receipt checked at sam's club but at wal-mart? and for a measly garden hose?

i was not happy but i tried to find the receipt the whole time thinking how late i was. i didn't remember where i put it bc i had jammed it somewhere before i went to the bathroom.

"can't you please just ask that cashier? i just went through her line? and i'm kind of in a hurry to get home bc i have a babysitter and i'm late."

this lady sashays slowly over to the cashier in a leisurely fashion, converses with the cashier, and returns in the same turtle like manner. the whole time i'm jumping around trying to get this finished so i can go for the shopping cart gold medal when i hit the parking lot.

"she doesn't remember you, she says. you're going to have to wait here." she starts off for the service desk like molasses uphill in winter, reveling in her walmart-greeter-control-of-the-smiley-sticker-power to rule me.

oh no you dit-int.

"forget this" i say to myself and push forward out the door. out of nowhere this big backup greeter guy yells "MAAM ! MAAM! STOP! YOU ARE LEAVING WITHOUT A RECEIPT!"

"oh no i am not. i have a receipt, i have gone through everything and i can't find it. i just checked out on number 5. i'm in a hurry. if you want to see it, follow me out here and i'll look again after i get my stuff loaded."

"NO! NO! YOU CANNOT LEAVE!" he yells. (gape mouthed onlookers stop to stare at me, the THIEF WHO IS NOT OBEYING THE GREETERS.) "We're going to get your license plate! We're following you!"

"GOOD! and when you come bring the manager with you buddy!"

chuuuuuuuuuh. like
a. i would ever steal
b. i would ever steal at walmart for pete's sake
c. i would ever steal a cheap garden hose that was on clearance at walmart.

can you believe none of them followed me or even came out there after all that? i was actually hoping the manager would come out there so i could get all the peoples' names and report their big stinkyattitude booties to the walmart hq like i did w sears photo.

people in the parking lot were giving me the hairy eyeball. i felt like jumping around like a boxer in training, like "yeah i said it, yagotaproblemwiddit?"

the whole first half of the way home, my mom who was with me kept thinking the cops were going to pull us over any second.