It's weird for me to write about my ex husband, mainly because I know my parents, sister, brother, and other family read this daily and they have feelings for him that range from mild disdain to extreme, um, I won't say hatred, but extremely negative protective feelings. If it were all anonymous, or like people I don't see everyday, or blogfriends, that would be one thing. But writing about him here is risky bc just the mention of his name around these parts causes hackles to go up.

He has put us all through so much stuff the last few years. I got it directly but we all had to deal with its' direct and indirect effects, especially my mom and dad. Without going into too much detail, he's been on and off the map, and I have gone for weeks even months without knowing if he was even alive, both when we were still married and now that we've been divorced a year.
If my kids weren't involved, it would alot easier for me not to care where he was and what he was doing. But he is the father of my monkeys.

Having known so many people who came from dysfunctional families, I have seen over and over what it's like to grow up with no dad.(Not that my kids have no dad per se- they consider my dad whom they call Poppy as their father figure.) The other argument is, a cruddy dad is worse than no dad so it's better just to 100% wash your hands of him. I have heard both these points of view from different people and have (perhaps temporarily) formed my own. That is why when he called Friday after 4 months of no contact at all, and wanted to come today, I said yes.

I am always here so the visits are supervised by me. My main thing is that they're getting to the age where they know and remember people and while I want him to see them, I will not let him put them through any drama with all the saying he's coming and not showing up stuff. He was supposed to be here at 10 today and got here at about 11:45, which to him is no big deal.

He looks healthwise, better than he has in a long time. He is allegedly working now and getting his own place, and allegedly is no longer with the female he has been with since a few months after he moved out. He actually gave me money too, which was shocking.

You see, I just don't want to be the type who cuts off my kids completely from their dad and then when they get older, they get resentful bc I did that. But on the other hand I told him today- if you say you're coming, you need to show up on time, and come on a regular basis bc they know who he is and will probably eventually start asking. Causing my precious poopsies any heartbreak or sadness is a fast way to get erased from the whole picture. And I told him that.

I really do hope, for my daughters' sake, that he continues on this upward trend and really starts to try and get semi normal, anyway. I want them to have a stable father, not one who pops in and out randomly. Or at the minimum one who can give the appearance of stability.

I have no idea what is around the corner with his situation knowing him very well. He could decide to get up and leave and go anywhere at any given moment cuz that's his personality- the personality I used to love that now seems irresponsible. It's probably all hopeandfluffstuff that he will get it together and be a stable person. I just don't know if he's even capable. Whatever the case, my only priority is my children's welfare.

Please pray for him, seriously, because he needs to get himself back on the straight and narrow. Pray too that he will be convicted as a father to be more responsible for himself and as an end result of that, for his kids.

btw, the visit went well. the girls had a great time. he hasn't seen them since they starting talking up a storm so it was weird for him to hear them bossing him around, tattling, and throwing hissy fits. HA! welcome to my world, suckah.


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