...is Lala land.

This Christmas has a bittersweet twinge to it. On one hand the girls are behaving better the last few days. We're all excited about my brother coming home from Mississippi- he'll be here Wednesday. On the other hand there is the looming sadness that comes with knowing this is the first Christmas without my grandmom, and here we are in her house. Everything we do makes me think of her and how much she would love all the decorations, lights, etc. Christmas was her favorite holiday and she liked it the gaudier the better. She had a childlike twinkle and always made our Christmases so special.

I vacillate between being happy and enjoying the holidays with my children and feeling completely crushed with sorrow. It's like the thought of my grandmom or some specific memory that involves her causes me physical pain and most of time makes me nauseous with grief. I try to avoid the latter as much as possible.

In addition to all that, all of a sudden the girls have started asking for their father specifically by name, which comletely freaks me out. I didn't even know they knew what his name was. Last night out of the blue at bedtime, Lily says "Where's Dan-ul?" (Daniel is his name?) I thought I had heard her wrong but she repeated it and I played dumb and said "Daniel who?" "My daddy, mom. My daddy." Talk about ripping my heart out through my throat. Then Hannah asked, "Mama, my daddy ever coming here again? To my house?" What am I supposed to say? That he was supposed to come that very day but decided to go to a Christmas party instead of coming here to see them? I told them maybe soon.

Then tonight again totally random in the bedtime conversation Lily said "I have 2 daddies." WHAT?! My mind is screaming. "What do you mean hon?" I asked nicely. "My Poppydaddy (my dad) and Dan-ul, mommy, my daddy. Two daddies." That's right I said, and changed the subject. Frigging frigosauraus rex I could do some major damage to this man for screwing with my kid's minds even though of course I know this thought of hers is not specifically his fault, but just for what he has done/not done in general. I thought these kinds of questions would start alot later than this. Now, here we go off into where'smydaddyland at warp speed. Deee- pressing stuff.

Here's what keeps me crankin. The monkeyhead love muffins. Mommy's sweet girls.

Before church today- don't you love these outfits? Bob and Sue got em.


Monkeys in the Christmas Pageant Tonight- wow we could'nt believe how well they behaved. 10 seconds before liftoff Gavin was screaming and they were whining and flailing about something, then BAM instant Mary, Joseph, and angel. I think they were dumbstruck by all the people looking at them. Hannah was the Angel and Lily was Mary, or as she says "The Jesus mommy."

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