I know you were expecting to come here and see some pictures of my trip or the monkeys, and hear some more stories about silly Tennessee antics, and I wish that was what I was gonna tell you, but unfortunately I write about my feelings and the reality of life which is mostly happy but which some of the time isn't. What I have been through here tonight since I got home from my trip has been the biggest gutwrenching heartbreaking nightmare that I would never want anyone to have to go through. If you're emotionally sensitive or get upset easily you probably won't want to read this post but I have to write it because you all are the only people I have to tell this to. Please do not read if you have a weak stomach; I need to release this though.

We got home and came in my house here, (my mom and I) we were kissing up the babies and giving them their goodies. The lady (Francis) who takes care of my grandmom came to the backdoor and asked if my grandmom was here. (Her house is across the road from mine.) She had come to spend the night like she's been doing and my grandmom didn't answer the door like she usually does. We told her no, she wasn't over here, so my mom went with her to unlock my gmom's house and check on her. About 2 minutes later my mom calls and says come over here right now your grandmom's dead.

I ran out the door and into her house yelling where is she. My mom was crying and pointed in the living room . Evidently my grandmom's aortal aneurysm finally ruptured and she died in her TV chair in the living room. Her pug was going crazy barking and running in circles. My mom was freaking out like what should we do. Luckily Sue who had been keeping the kids is a nurse and she was there. She called my grandmom's doctor who said we didn't have to call the ambulance just the funeral home.

I knew my grandmom who was a neat woman and careful about her appearance would not want anyone coming in her house seeing her like this. Suffice it to say it was not nice and involved blood. I wanted my grandmother to have some dignity even in this state. Though I knew her soul was gone, I still love her and wanted the best for her. We got warm water and soap and a washcloth and I washed her off the best I could. Then I took off her blouse and got a fresh one on her and we moved her to the sofa and put a blanket on her til the mortician came. Everybody was crying and were nervous wrecks. I started crying after I had her all cleaned up and laid down.

You know, there are things we think we could never possibly do, no matter what. But when the time arises, the Lord gives us strength through the Holy Spirit to perservere and do what is necessary. Why didn't you just leave her? you may be thinking. No, I could not do that to this woman- Miss Kitty was what everyone called her- that I love and adore and admire so very deeply. My grandmom has been one of the best people in my life since I was born. To me she wasn't a dead body; she was the grandmother I loved and still love so much this is ripping my heart to shreds.

I pray Lord, that you lift up my mom especially during this time of grief. She is an only child so my dad and my brother and sister and I are all she has left now and I wish I could take her pain away but I know this is what life is about. So bittersweet, so ugly and beautiful, so painful and wonderful. Days like today I scream out to God, not questioning Him, but just in pain and agony knowing He hears and heals and will comfort us through this although things seem impossibly bleak right now.

My grandmom was so so much to so many people, a sweet woman who could be a little feisty when the mood hit her, who had seen alot in her time- overall a kind, gentle spirit. She and my grandfather were my absolute world the whole time I was growing up- really almost like a second set of parents we were at their house next door so much. I already miss her like crazy.

Miss Kitty, I don't know what I'll do without you. I love you forever.